i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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