Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
