this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
