Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
