What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
