in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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