Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Oh god it's open bar.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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