Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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