I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Randomize
