Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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