Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
The Olympian is in my bed
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
