she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
