WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
When did angry sex become our thing?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
