saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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