cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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