It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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