My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
