I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
