Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
