You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
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