watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
be right there i have to get my cape
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
