I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
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