The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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