a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
