He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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