just tell him i said nine months
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
