Barsexuality is the new black.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
