My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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