The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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