You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
