So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
