Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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