The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
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That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
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I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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