I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize