Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
