oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
