just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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