remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
