no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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