he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
