Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
