she was so not down for the gang bang
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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