i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
