Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
