i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
