I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit