if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling