i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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