Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?