Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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