I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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