His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
