Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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