My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
