My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
