The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
