I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
