After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
