Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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